Thursday, November 29, 2007

I am crazy

I have really been procrastinating with updating the 2nd part of this twisted saga. It's hard to talk about, and even harder to write about.

First, I think it is important to mention that my husband and I had been living separately for the past 1 1/2 years. We had been living in his mothers house for the last 10 years. My BIL also lived there. But when I found out we were going to have our 4th child, I refuse to continue living with my in-laws. Besides that fact it was only a 3 bedroom house and my BIL dominated the basement, I was tired of feeling like the other woman in my husbands life. His mother refused to let him grow up and wanted to keep him close to her. I was tired of her always getting in my business. I wanted my own home to raise my 4 children. Gene agreed, but decided he would stay in his mom's house during the weekday because he had to continue working in the DC area. At that point, I didn't care because I just felt like I was going crazy in that small house and I needed to get out before the baby was born. After a couple months, I asked him several times to try to find something closer. But he always had an excuse. But a few weeks prior to me discovering the affair, we had decided to sell our home in Western MD so that we could rent something closer to DC. We even discussed possibly moving out of state.

So now that that is out of the way, here is the situation now...

On Sat. Nov. 17th, we decided to drop off the kids with relatives while we went to a hotel to reconcile. It was the first time I that I had hope for our marriage. We were getting close. The following morning, I went downstairs to check out of the hotel. Gene took forever to come down. I asked him what took him so long and he said he was talking to his brother. We walked to the truck and then Gene looked at me and said "I am so sorry", and for the first time, he had real regret in his voice. Then he said "There is another". I completely lost it. He told me he broke up with her Sat. night, before we went to the hotel. He said he started seeing her in Aug., but met her before that. He said he had sex with her less than 10 times. I told him to take me back to the house so I could get the kids and go back home. I told him we were through and I would take everything from him.

As we drove, he made a few phone calls. One was to a guy that I never heard of. He left messages saying it was important that he talk to him. I assumed it was work relate. Then he called my BIL and he kept saying "are you 100% sure?". Then he asked to speak to my oldest son and asked him the same thing over and over "Are you 100% sure?". Finally, he told me my father had come to pick up my 5 yr old son. I immediately called my dad and asked him if he had my son. He said no. Of course I freaked out and as soon as we got to the house, I called the police. That is when Gene admitted that he thought "she" might have taken him because she was upset.

So, here it is, Nov. 18th, the same exact day on the video tape I found of Gene in NY with the first affair (if this isn't a sign, I don't know what is!) and I have just found out my husband had been cheating all this time, and my son had been kidnapped. You can't even begin to imagine what that feels like.

I am not going to go into the details of my sons recovery, but it took 9 hours to find her. When we went to the police station to give out statements, that is when everything came out. He had been with this woman for 8 months and according to her, he was living with her. She thought he was divorced. He had not broken up with her, as he had told me. She kept calling him her boyfriend and the police told her that he was married.

I met the woman a few days later. She was very nice to me and even gave me a hug. I was very sick to my stomach, but I can't really blame her. I mean, Gene and I were not together during the week and so there was no reason she would think he was married. She told me a lot of stuff that Gene probably never would have told me. Like how she was trying to have his baby, how they were planning to buy a house together, how they had planned a trip to NC after Thanksgiving.

I feel like I am standing outside my body watching myself take him back and I am telling myself that I need to move on because he is a asshole. But my heart says that he only cheated because he was alone and had the perfect opportunity to get away with it. And to be fair, I had stopped wanting to have sex with him because I felt the distance between us was making us strangers. My head, on the other hand, says he never should have taken advantage of my trust like that and this whole thing is unforgivable. There is NOTHING anyone could say that I haven't already told myself. But my heart is winning. I feel like I need to give my marriage a chance.

The house that I love so much is now up for sale. Gene has found us a great deal on a 4 bedroom so we can all live together again. I make him call me several times a day so I can keep tabs on him. I have access to his email account. I have no trust for him right now and he knows he has to earn it back. I have had days where I just go crazy because I don't know where he is or what he is doing. I have had so much heartache that I have had to physically hurt myself just to help numb my emotional pain.

I have decided not to dwell on the details of the affair because it's in the past and I can't change what happened. It will drive me crazy and I will never be able to move on. We have both agreed to look forward.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I can't imagine what you must be going through right now. Do not blame yourself for what your husband did; he was the one who cheated, not you.

I will keep you in my prayers because I know that you don't need people telling you what is right for you.