Thursday, November 29, 2007

I am crazy

I have really been procrastinating with updating the 2nd part of this twisted saga. It's hard to talk about, and even harder to write about.

First, I think it is important to mention that my husband and I had been living separately for the past 1 1/2 years. We had been living in his mothers house for the last 10 years. My BIL also lived there. But when I found out we were going to have our 4th child, I refuse to continue living with my in-laws. Besides that fact it was only a 3 bedroom house and my BIL dominated the basement, I was tired of feeling like the other woman in my husbands life. His mother refused to let him grow up and wanted to keep him close to her. I was tired of her always getting in my business. I wanted my own home to raise my 4 children. Gene agreed, but decided he would stay in his mom's house during the weekday because he had to continue working in the DC area. At that point, I didn't care because I just felt like I was going crazy in that small house and I needed to get out before the baby was born. After a couple months, I asked him several times to try to find something closer. But he always had an excuse. But a few weeks prior to me discovering the affair, we had decided to sell our home in Western MD so that we could rent something closer to DC. We even discussed possibly moving out of state.

So now that that is out of the way, here is the situation now...

On Sat. Nov. 17th, we decided to drop off the kids with relatives while we went to a hotel to reconcile. It was the first time I that I had hope for our marriage. We were getting close. The following morning, I went downstairs to check out of the hotel. Gene took forever to come down. I asked him what took him so long and he said he was talking to his brother. We walked to the truck and then Gene looked at me and said "I am so sorry", and for the first time, he had real regret in his voice. Then he said "There is another". I completely lost it. He told me he broke up with her Sat. night, before we went to the hotel. He said he started seeing her in Aug., but met her before that. He said he had sex with her less than 10 times. I told him to take me back to the house so I could get the kids and go back home. I told him we were through and I would take everything from him.

As we drove, he made a few phone calls. One was to a guy that I never heard of. He left messages saying it was important that he talk to him. I assumed it was work relate. Then he called my BIL and he kept saying "are you 100% sure?". Then he asked to speak to my oldest son and asked him the same thing over and over "Are you 100% sure?". Finally, he told me my father had come to pick up my 5 yr old son. I immediately called my dad and asked him if he had my son. He said no. Of course I freaked out and as soon as we got to the house, I called the police. That is when Gene admitted that he thought "she" might have taken him because she was upset.

So, here it is, Nov. 18th, the same exact day on the video tape I found of Gene in NY with the first affair (if this isn't a sign, I don't know what is!) and I have just found out my husband had been cheating all this time, and my son had been kidnapped. You can't even begin to imagine what that feels like.

I am not going to go into the details of my sons recovery, but it took 9 hours to find her. When we went to the police station to give out statements, that is when everything came out. He had been with this woman for 8 months and according to her, he was living with her. She thought he was divorced. He had not broken up with her, as he had told me. She kept calling him her boyfriend and the police told her that he was married.

I met the woman a few days later. She was very nice to me and even gave me a hug. I was very sick to my stomach, but I can't really blame her. I mean, Gene and I were not together during the week and so there was no reason she would think he was married. She told me a lot of stuff that Gene probably never would have told me. Like how she was trying to have his baby, how they were planning to buy a house together, how they had planned a trip to NC after Thanksgiving.

I feel like I am standing outside my body watching myself take him back and I am telling myself that I need to move on because he is a asshole. But my heart says that he only cheated because he was alone and had the perfect opportunity to get away with it. And to be fair, I had stopped wanting to have sex with him because I felt the distance between us was making us strangers. My head, on the other hand, says he never should have taken advantage of my trust like that and this whole thing is unforgivable. There is NOTHING anyone could say that I haven't already told myself. But my heart is winning. I feel like I need to give my marriage a chance.

The house that I love so much is now up for sale. Gene has found us a great deal on a 4 bedroom so we can all live together again. I make him call me several times a day so I can keep tabs on him. I have access to his email account. I have no trust for him right now and he knows he has to earn it back. I have had days where I just go crazy because I don't know where he is or what he is doing. I have had so much heartache that I have had to physically hurt myself just to help numb my emotional pain.

I have decided not to dwell on the details of the affair because it's in the past and I can't change what happened. It will drive me crazy and I will never be able to move on. We have both agreed to look forward.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

What hurts the most

Gene had an affair last year, but I just put all the pieces together this week. There were some things that came in the mail last November that made me question him. Of course he had the most bullshit story I have ever heard. The first 2 things were fines from him going through the Lincoln Tunnel and NJ Turnpike without paying the tolls. I confronted him and asked him who the hell did he go to New York with and why didn't he tell me he was going. He responded that he went with a buddy to buy me a ring, but decided against it and ended up buying one at Kohl's. He said he decided to return that ring too.

So I paid the toll fines and received the first Kohl's statement which shows that he did indeed purchase a ring. So I thought, ok he must have been telling the truth. The statement did not show a credit for the ring, so I made sure to check the following months statement to make sure it was credited. No credit. I kept telling Gene, month after month, that the ring was never refunded and he needed to call customer service and get this straightened out. He reassured me he would find the receipt and take care of it. I continued to make the minimum payments while waiting to see the credit.

This past weekend, I asked Gene to bring me the video camera and tapes so I could finish getting them sorted and labeled. He obliged and and told me after I sorted them we should transfer them onto Cd's. He said it was so easy he would be able to talk me through the process over the phone. On Monday afternoon, I started watching the tapes and writing down what was on them. After completing a couple tapes, I came across the one of my playgroups field trip to a farm. Gene had come with us and took some good video. As I watched it, I thought how nice it would be if I could make copies for everyone.

The next thing on the tape was Gene's trip to Ocean City, in which he took the boys. It was a group trip with about 10 other people. I stayed home because I was still nursing the baby. As I watched the tape, I noticed Gene seemed fixated on this one particular woman. I thought, No way this is innocent. Something is going on between them. I paused the tape and called Gene and asked him who the woman was that he taped in Ocean City. He said he wasn't sure who I was talking about and he would have to see them tape. I was quite upset, because clearly she was being flirtatious and Gene was flirting back by recording her. But what really convinced me something was going on was when he was far away from her, but kept zooming in on her. No one else, just her.

I continued to watch the tape. Next event was Robbie's 10th birthday party. After that, it was video of Niagara Falls dated November 18, 2006. I have never been to Niagara Falls. I was still on the phone with Gene questioning him about the woman. I asked him when did he go to Niagara Falls. Then, there she was. The same woman that was on the beach was standing in front Niagara Falls. BAM! I started freaking out because I suddenly remembered the fines. I watched the tape further (with Gene still on the phone, silent) as I saw one of his infamous camera shots where he forgets to turn the camera off. It was perfectly aimed at their hands, clasped together. I screamed at Gene calling him a bastard. His voice was low and he knew he was in trouble. I hung up and continued watching the tape.

I keep watching the tape. The date changes. It is now November 26, 2006. There is a close up of her hand. It is of a 5 diamond ring on her finger. Oh that bastard! This was the ring he claimed he bought for me. The same ring I made monthly payments on and kept waiting to see the refund. I was devastated. I screamed at Gene that he was a cocky bastard. I was in shock. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. He calls her "My love".... he asks her if shes "hungry for me?... he says "I love you". I don't think my heart has ever been so broken. The final shot is of her driving his truck (hence the toll violations and fines). He tells her to smile, then blows a kiss at her and she does the same.

All the pieces came together. It was around that time that I accused Gene of cheating because he suddenly started caring about his looks. He claimed he just wanted to feel good about himself. I had even looked up the signs of a cheating spouse and he fit the description. But I have always believed him, so I took his word that he was not cheating.

He claims she was a virgin. He swears that there was no sex involved. But I told him that was bullshit. You don't tell someone you love them and buy them a ring if you are not having sex with them.

Gene came home on Tuesday because he wanted to explain in person. As soon as he walked through the door, I told him to sit his ass down because he was going to watch the tape with me. I made him watch the "I love you" over and over, while asking him how it makes him feel hearing himself say I love you to another woman on tape with his wife next to him. I asked him if thought his mother would be proud of him. He was like a dog with his tail between his legs.

As I re watched the tape with him, I noticed something I had missed before. There were actually 3 dates. The first date of November 18 changes to November 19. So it was an overnight trip. He swears they slept in separate beds and she kept her clothes on because she did not believe in sex before marriage. At this point, I do believe he is telling the truth because he is not the type to continue lying once he has been busted.

I went into a full meltdown and tell him I want a divorce. I tell him I will take everything from him. He says he loves me and does not want a divorce. I ask him how could he do this to me. He says he was stupid and he regrets it and had carried the guilt with him over the past year. I tell him he is a complete idiot to record his affair. I hate him, but I love him. I know in my heart that I am letting my emotions make a decision that I need to be making when I am more rational.

As the evening goes on, I continue to cry and ask him questions about this affair. As we talk, Gene comments about how I am looking him in the eyes and how he wished I would look at him like that more. Then, it hit me. I know it is not my fault for this affair. But I can not fault Gene entirely either. It hurts that he seek out love and affection from another woman. It really hurts that I gave him 100% of my trust and he took advantage of it.
We are not together everyday. When we are, I am usually very cold towards him and make up excuses to avoid intimate situations. I had lost all sexual desire towards him. I do not excuse his affair, but I do take responsibility for not showing him any love and affection. His affair was not a sexual one, which is why it is probably a little easier to forgive. He wanted attention and to know somebody cared, and this woman gave it to him. I'm not saying I would shake her hand and thank her. Hell no! I would probably want to kick her ass. But I am thankful that something positive has come out of this. We were able to relight the spark and renew our love for each other. I will not take him for granted anymore. Part of a relationship is to taking care of each others needs. I am now committed to showing Gene the inside of my heart. He swore to me that no matter what, he is not going anywhere because he loves me.

I think Gene is relieved that the affair is now out in the open. He said it feels like it never happened because it was a very surreal experience. But there it is, clear as day on tape. I am still devastated by it and still cry about it. I can not trust him, and he knows he is going to have to rebuild that trust.

Of course, everything about this hurts, but what hurts the most is hearing my husband tell another woman that he loves her, seeing the ring that he gave her, and the cover up and lies that he told me when I first found out he went to New York. It hurts that I gave him 100% of my trust to be in a long distance marriage and he took advantage of that.